I’ll take your questions later but first let me educate you
about puberty. Puberty is a time when the human body undergoes some physical
changes in order to attain sexual maturity. It is a time in our lives when we
suddenly realize that our genitals are capable of other important functions
besides bedwetting.
CONCERNED READER: Is bed-wetting a sign of puberty?
No, it’s not a sign of puberty; it is only a sign that you
are capable of carrying out puberty; it means that your kidneys are functioning
optimally. It also means that you have serious plumbing issues.
Puberty usually starts between ages 8 and 13 in girls, and
ages 9 and 15 in other sexes, such as boys. It is very important to remember
that everybody must go through puberty regardless of who, what or where you
are: whether you are light skinned or dark, tall or short, fat or narrow, dead
or alive; whether you have an IQ of 840 or the IQ of a snail, you must go
through puberty. Even snails are capable of puberty. Why do think they appear
phlegmatic? Don’t answer that!
Puberty is accompanied by signs and physical changes, which
is important; because if it did not, we would all wake up one bright, Monday
morning and discover that we have all suddenly become sexually mature, and then
out of fear and confusion mixed with ignorance we would all take to the street
screaming loudly, and mating hysterically with the neighbors. Or the postman.
The physical changes include: hair growth under the arm and pubic region. Chest
and facial hairs occur in boys…and in girls who are hot tempered (so watch that
temper, girls). Also, boys start to have deepened voices, broadened shoulders
and enlarged genitals.
While girls on the other hand begin to have soft, succulent
skin; they begin to develop breast (two or more) and broad hips. So the boys
start to look at them and have puberty thoughts like: “Oh, look at those huge
mammary glands on that girl. If she comes anywhere closer than ten feet I swear
my underwear will bear my child!” only to wake up with sticky-wet shorts and
find out that they have just had a wet-dream. The last physical change in girls
during puberty is called – menstrual flow. Menstrual flow simply means when
something called menstrual starts flowing. What else could it mean? OK,
actually, it is a cyclic flow of blood which occurs monthly as the body
prepares them (girls) to be able to bear children. Alongside physical changes
come verbal changes, by which I mean some old, everyday words and phrases begin
to have new meanings. Words and phrases like: “Hello”, “Hi”, “What’s up?”, “How
are you?” etc. Prior to puberty, I could just say to the girl next door, “Hello
Sally” and she would reply, “Hi Dery”. However, that is now history. If I say
hello to Sally now, her puberty brain automatically interprets it as: “Hey
Sally, could you come a bit closer so that we can mate and produce live
offsprings for no good reason whatsoever other than because I am a matured male
human.” And of course, she would give me a favorable answer, which is: Hell no!
Favorable because, if we mate before puberty is complete, our premature gametes
(especially mine) would come together to produce offsprings that look like
victims of a radiation experiment or better still, new-born extraterrestrials.
When puberty occurs earlier than normal, i.e. before age 8
and 9 in boys, it is known as – precocious puberty. However, when it occurs
later than normal, i.e. after age 13 in girls and 15 in boys or in
life-after-death, it is called delayed puberty.
In conclusion, puberty can be a very difficult time for
adolescents. It is important that parents or guardians should guide them
through this period because they also undergo psychological adjustments. Most
adolescents start deviating from their normal behaviors. They may become reclusive,
distant, irritable, etc. either because they are shy or because they do not
understand what is happening to them, or maybe because they got an ‘F’ in
school, most probably in math.
Personally, puberty was a tough time for me. That is really
because my physical changes started rather awkwardly. First, it started with me
having an enormous head. The size of head that provoked names like: Edmund or
Edward from peoples lips. I thought it was kwashiorkor, so I started myself on
a strictly-protein diet for two years before I realized I was wrong it was too
late; I had already developed marasmus from too much protein.
Then one morning I woke up and found a huge bulge in front of
my shorts. Surprised, I went and showed it to my mum. She freaked out and took
me to my dad who freaked out and called child services who freaked out and took
me to rehab because they were totally convinced that I was doing hard drugs
like radioactive vitamin C tablets and herbs. The rehab people then took off my
shorts and exclaimed when they saw the bulge, “Ah, Dery, you are a male!” And
it was true. However, I do not know the cause of the bulge till date.
Also I noticed my puberty hair started sprouting unevenly.
There was abundance of hair under my right arm but my left under-arm exhibited
what is known in agriculture as - scattered cultivation. However, my pubic
region was completely barren. Meanwhile, all my friends were having a swell
time with all their hair. I was jealous; some of them had so much hair they
could start a business making afro-wigs from their arm-pit/pubic hair. I was
too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it; I could not go swimming with my
friends; I couldn’t even take a bath naked! So in my hairless desperation I got
an idea and created something I call: The pubic moustache. Well, I do not want
to go into all the grimy details; all you need to know is that it has to do
with plenty of goat-hair and vats of glue. Ok, I’ll go into the grimy details:
it involves sticking goat-hair to your pubic region, with glue, to act the part
while you wait for your real hair to sprout. I know it sounds retarded but it
works! However, it has a down-side: it itches a lot, which is why my product
comes with a simple tool called: a booty-scratcher, more like pubic scratcher to
help with the itching. Because, trust me, I know all about the itching.
N.B – Don’t you think that the crew name BOYS 2 MEN was,
probably, inspired by puberty? Look at it carefully.
While I go take care of this itching.
No comments:
Post a Comment