ASUU STRIKE CALLED OFF!

The Alcoholic Strike Union of Universities (ASUU, motto: retirement age, 120) today told press-men (motto: we need to poo) in Abuja that they've decided to call off the industrial action temporarily to allow students go back to school and wonder what they will be when they grow up... 

Okay, seriously, the strike was called off to allow students to go back to school and live-out their remaining house-rent period before it expires. This resolve was reached, at the Stale house of assembly, over concerns that rats, who have no idea how hard it is to make money to pay rent or what rent is, are taking unfair advantage of the strike break to engage in unrat-like activities such as mating in students' beds and using their tooth-brushes. Hair-nets have also been sighted being used by rats. Also, several rats have been apprehended on charges of Indian-hemp possession and resisting arrest. The governor of Benue state (motto: we like mooing) also expressed concerns that the strike action, if prolonged, may affect the country adversely, population-wise; as many ladies who now have nothing to do will start getting pregnant spontaneously, just to while away time. It is feared that this imminent trend may increase Nigeria’s population to 872 million by christmas. And, that, guys too would have ample time to attend to their hobbies; which includes groin scratching.

The press-men also expressed concerns that they were seriously pressed and the press conference was taking too long; that they needed to poo (hence their motto). The federal government responded swiftly to these poo-concerns by quickly sharing black (FG crested) nylon bags for the press-men to shot-put in. At the end of the exercise, the atmosphere was alive again with sighs like 'oohs' and 'aahs' as the press-men, who exchanged pleasantries (and warm nylon bags), expressed relief only to find out that they were in the wrong venue, five states away. They had been too pressed to notice. They also forgot their cameras and note pads.

No, wait, they used their note-pads, where they wrote down the official school resumption date, to wipe themselves.

Warning: When you get back to your rooms in school (if you still remember where it is. If you don’t, ask Saka) make sure you change your sheets and toothbrushes. In the event that you find Indian hemp residues on your floor; suspect rats, then immediately call the police so that they can come and arrest you for drug possession. And don't even bother to check your toilets; there are press-men in there! And they have the official resumption date on their pads…you will just have to shift through the poo smear.