BRANDING 101 (part 2): SIZE (BUSINESS CARD OR PLACARD)

            

The saying that goes: “small is beautiful”, which was most probably coined by a dwarf, substantiates this topic. In three words it explains that small things make for simplicity, which is what a business card ought to be – simple. And it all makes much more sense to me now, although I’m not a dwarf…I’m just three feet and not much inches.

It is most unsettling when, after listening to someone go on and on about their business, they delve into their wallets or pockets…or underwear and hand you a placard saying, “Here’s my business card, you can reach me through any of those numbers, and by ‘any’ I mean about 42 of them”. I will talk about phone numbers in a minute, or sometime later in life. There was a guy I once met (I hope that grammar is correct, if not – doxology) who was drooling on about his business. He was (I don’t know about now though) into clothing. To put it more politely: he was a lingerie distributor. After boring me to a state of delirium about his business; boring because there’s not much to discuss about lingerie these days…or any other days; the simple reason being that lingerie doesn’t suit me, except on weekends involving plenty of brandy. Ok, forgive my digression. Now, where were we? Oh yes, lingerie! So, after about two delirium-laden hours he reached into his pockets or briefs (can’t remember which right now) and brought out a bill-board and said, “Here’s my card, you can reach me through blah blah blah”. The business card had enough paper to create a papier-mache Titanic. Haha, I was just kidding there; just trying to be hyperbolic. However, the card had sufficient paper to eclipse the moon or to create a small papier-mache planet with enough atmospheres to support half the earth’s life-form, by which, of course you know I mean China. Anyway, on my way home I was pressed ANALytically (if you get my drift) so I stopped by a public facility to deposit an ample quantity of poo, after which, as you’d all expect of me, I didn’t wipe my butt.

No, wait a minute, I did. And meanwhile I wondered why the tissue paper was large and had what looked like a company name written on it. Then I got home and started wondering where the hell I put the bill board…sorry, business board.

Let me educate you at this point: the correct size for a business card is 3.5 inches in length and 2.0 inches in width. This is the British standard. And the whole world, including you, has to follow the British standard because the Britons always have standards for everything, especially things that have to do with papers including; business cards, school books, newspapers, certificates, toilet papers, papier-mache planets, etc. Also the Britons have a standard procedure for butt-wiping; it is as follows:

1.     Get off the W.C, which is a standard abbreviation for WATCH CLOSELY.

2.     Stand up straight; no slouching.

3.     Tear off an adequate piece of British standard toilet paper or serviette or carpet, just as long as it’s British standard.

4.     Spread your legs and maintain a six foot distance between your feet (although the original standard procedure demands that you do a full split)

5.     Place the hand holding the toilet paper on your waist (akimbo), and the other hand between your butt-cheeks.

6.     This step is rated 18

7.     It all ends with a reddish-brown smudge on your finger-tips, which you can then wipe off with the carpet.

8.     Heave a sigh of relief: wheew!

9.     Well, it doesn’t say what you should do with the toilet paper afterwards.

10.    It also doesn’t say anything about leaving the toilet.