BRANDING 101: BUSINESS CARD

What is the most important parameter in a business? Before I answer that question let me define what a business is. As we all know, a business can be defined as the trade of…… Wait a minute, I said ‘as we all know’ right? That means there’s no need to define it anymore. Now, let’s move unto the topic of the day. Which is? Oh, I’ve forgotten, let me check the contents page. Ah-ha, there it is: BEFORE YOU READ ANY OF MY ARTICLES, MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT HAVE A BRAIN. No no no, that’s not it. Umm…..Eureka! Now, I remember; I was talking about the most important parameter in a business, which is: Branding.

I care less for technical definitions or explanation of terms but in my own opinion (which, sadly, this article is all about); branding is that extra touch that you give to your business; that touch of class, touch of elegance, touch of distinction, touch of swag, touch of anything, just make totally sure that you touch something. However, if you don’t understand any of the above touches, please ask google. Two people sued me for misleading them. The first guy said because I said that a touch of ‘anything’ is good for business he went and ‘touched’ his neighbor’s wife so that business will be good but ended up with a ruptured nose and a broken spleen. Or was it the other way around? The second guy said he drank six bottles of cognac after which he woke up on the wrong side of the bed, by which he meant under his Volkswagen beetle because he thought he heard me say brandy is the most important parameter in business. Good thing the officiating umpire was fair; else, we would have spent all day on the long tennis court.

There are several aspects to the concept; these aspects include:

(1)   Ummm……

(2)   Well, I do not know any of these aspects now.

(3)   I still do not know any aspects.

(4)   Are you still counting?

Of all the aspects listed above, the one I want to talk about is the business card. A business card is a small card printed with your name and details of your job and company that you give to people immediately after you have said nothing sensible about your business in a conversation. And you think they are going to do business with you? Think again!

Now, if you are through thinking and you really believe they are going to do business with you; Think again! While you are thinking, here are the important parts of a business card. I am going to explain under subheadings subsequently. They are as follows:

THINK AGAIN!

Sorry, just fooling around. Ok, seriously now, they are:

COMPANY NAME: Several authors have carried out lots of research to come up with apt definitions for ‘company name’. (Warning: Please follow me closely as this is about to get really technical) These authors of journals and management tomes (i.e. books that are voluminously thick enough to enable a vertically challenged person, by which I technically mean a dwarf to deposit catarrh at the top of the Eiffel tower) define company name, technically, as: The name of a company. Now, if you know anything about technical definitions you would understand that the above definition means the name of your company. Have you ever heard a company name that was so cool that it just stuck to your head? I have. I mean I have written company names on paper, and then stuck the paper to the back of my head with glue accidentally, because they were so cool. Names like: Apple, Firestone, Chevron, Dangote, etc. Ok, the first three are really cool; not sure about the last one though, especially because they had to put a ‘goat’ at the end of it.  Africans and Asians, I believe, have a problem with naming their companies properly. The good thing about Asian company names is that you can’t copy them by trying to sound like them because you do not even know what they sound like or mean. The bad thing is, the only words you would recognize is ‘co ltd’. For example: əⱷⱵᴥĦ co. Ltd. That’s on the mild end. It’s worst when they are written in English letters because the process of pronouncing them would require that you generate enough phlegm to flood a small city like Czech Republic. For example: CHUANG XIOU HWA……..here comes the flood!

In Africa it’s a bit more terrible and hotter too. Let’s be honest with ourselves and tell the truth, which is: Our indigenous names suck too much to be used as company names. I know that after reading this some Africans would like to have my head on a platter of clay, but before that let me try to explain: Look at names like Luis Vuitton, Gucci, Dona Karen New York, Michael Jackson, Spiderman, etc. Without a taint of doubt, these are beautiful names, world class. You can hardly forget them. If you want to know if a company name is really cool, shorten it. For example: Dona Karen New York (DKNY); Michael Jackson (MJ); Spiderman (Spidey). But how do shorten a name like Okpafi? Let’s try: Okpa or Okpaf, or maybe kpafi  ̶  which sounds like the native name of an antelope in Zimbabwe or a herbal concoction for curing piles, or even a staple meal of raffia palms. 

Here’s a simple exercise that should better buttress my point: At the count of three I’d like you to pronounce the name kpafi at the rate of two times per second. Ready? One! Two!! Three!!! Kpafi-kpafi-kpafi-kpafi-kpafi-kpafi-kpafi-kpafi-kpafi……..Be honest, didn’t you have a feeling in your throat, like you were chewing on something dry and really bland like per-boiled newspaper?  I am sure you are convinced now. So do you still want to have my head? Or have you included my liver? Using African names does either of two things: It makes people, like me, doubt the authenticity and quality of your products and/or your services. Or it makes them question the sanity of your staff.

Hey, I’m kidding here; nobody will question the sanity of your staff or anything of that sort, so there’s no need for that look on your face. Speaking factually, your company name is very important if you wish to attract potential customers to do business with you; it sends a lot of unseen messages to your potential customers whenever they happen by it, good, bad and unnecessary.

                                                     To be continued...