WOOING; IT’S THE BANE OF MANHOOD

                                   

Once in a while we, and I mean the human males, need to ask ourselves a certain question. This question goes a long way to affect our relationship with everyone around us, particularly our household pet chimpanzee. I believe you all already know what the question is so I’d just go right ahead and ask it: WHAT IS THE TRUE COLOR OF FART?

Ok, seriously now, the question is: why is wooing a lady so needlessly complex? I ask myself this question every single day I wake up from my siester which, on Fridays, starts from 2:42pm and ends around 5:55pm the following week. I also ask myself this question while I take a shower to go to a public place such as a crowded bus or a riot scene in a calculated attempt to get laid by, if I’m lucky, someone of the opposite sex.

If I remember correctly; back in the days, and I mean in prehistoric times, a more peaceful period where we just wore banana-leaf boxer-shorts, danced around huge fires singing “kumbaya, ho ho kumbaya!” (I’m sure we all know that song, given that we all had prehistoric relatives, which some of us still have till date) it was quite easy to get a girl. All you had to do was bring gifts, nothing too elaborate, just a couple of wild flowers; a colorful assortment of grape-fruits; and a live 20-foot crocodile. And she’s all yours! Or the crocodile could use you to get his girl. Alternatively, you could spot a stray broad wandering about the bush and chase her all the way to her colony where the territorial male will surely beat you to comatose with the jawbone of a hippo for chasing his mother. Anyway, it was easy.

However, these days you’d have to go through a lot just to woo a girl. This has got a lot of human males wandering: why can’t wooing be simple? Now, I will tell you why: it is because girls are actually living, breathing, thinking homo-sapele, just like us; who are capable of decision making (which is a brain function) but never do for the reason that they have more wooing rules and regulations than laws you find in the Nigerian constitution. And also because of excessive shampoo usage. I’d like to tell you that it’s because of the numerous wooing rules and regulations that make it complex but that would only be partially false. The major reason is this: men are clueless. Come on guys let’s tell the truth and accept it. Now, all males look in the mirror and say to yourself: I am a man; I am clueless…Namasteh! The mind of a woman is very dynamic and this makes it impossible to know what they are thinking about or need.

Figuring out what a man needs is easy, here they are: Beer, T.V like super-sports or Tom and Jerry or Adult channels (where they legally broadcast naked, dancing, female chimpanzees); getting laid…..and a little more beer. How simple is that?! However, every guy, by default, believes that ladies are interested in their masculinity. Well unless the lady you're interested in is a she-hippo then you're right, otherwise sorry to disappoint you dudes, no lady in her right mind would be interested in how strong you are. Eh, except she's a wrestler. Here’s what ladies in their right minds say they're interested in:

Me: Ladies, what are you interested in?

Ladies in their right minds: We have no idea, but we want it now!

Me: Would we guys ever find out what you ladies are interested in?

Ladies in their right minds: You've a better chance starting a bible school in mecca.

So you see. A lot of guys, who don't know this, walk around with the power-showoff misconception and get into bar or street fights (sometimes even public toilet fights) just to astound a lady, and end up in a wheel-chair or other hand-driven carriers that were invented to impress cripples.

To be safe, you should take a cue from men who have had huge success with women on different levels: David Beckham, Usher Raymond, Tu-face, Segun Arinze, me, etc. Let me give you an example from the list above: take me for instance; I'm the kind of man that other men want to be with (don’t get the wrong idea). And the ladies want to be with me too, only if we are stuck in a sinking ship (or being chased by a horrifying creature or a naked man carrying the Nigerian flag)

Recognizing the problem, I have come up with helpful questions which, if answered correctly, should act as guidelines to help the male folks attain success with their female counterpart. Here they are:

1.     Seriously, who is Segun Arinze?

2.     How do billy-goats convey their feelings to She-goats on Valentine’s Day with just a few words which are: mmeeeh! Mmeeeh!?

3.     Why do guys fight in public toilets?

4.     Have you answered question one and two?
                 
                                                                  ....to be continued